i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
Randomize
