its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
