I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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