my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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