my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Randomize
