Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
