3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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