so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
