I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
