She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
