Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Randomize