Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
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