i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
