Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
