i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
