my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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