saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Dick very happy bro
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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