Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
