Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize