During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
