So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize