I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
