it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize