can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize