Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
