I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Randomize
