i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
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