you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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