If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
