Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
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