I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
