Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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