I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
