the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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