Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
