my phone needs a breathalizer
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
