every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
try to milk me bitch
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
