I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
