I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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