Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
