Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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