You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
