I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Randomize
