i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
