I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
