We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
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