Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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