Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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