im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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