I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
