Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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