Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
