You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
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