im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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