But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
