why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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